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I went for a run

Today, I got home after an extra long session (I was crying and carrying on so he went an extra half hour) with the therapist. I was depressed, anxious, nervous, angry, frustrated, fat, out of shape, hopeless, starving, exhausted, and it was nearly dark out… oh, and RAINING.

But I ate a banana, put on my shoes and went for a run. I even went a little longer this time. Halfway through my brain thought of this post. I started writing posts and lists in my head. Words of my therapists started making sense. He wants me to make a daily ‘things I am in control of” list. And to also “throw away my crystal ball” – I break my brain trying to tell the future as if it’s already decided.

I admitted to him how I want so so badly to drink again. How I’m seethingly jealous of those who can. I want to blow off steam, to yell and sing, to feel my blood pumping, to meet new people and say whatever the hell I want. He suggested I join a women’s rugby team. At 5’10” and nearly 200 lbs, I do admit I have the physique for it! I’m going to look into it.

The sun literally came out a little bit from behind the clouds, and instead of cursing the horrible dark rain, as I ran through volunteer park I realized how blessed I am to be surrounded by lush greenery when the rest of the country is probably yellow with drought.

Now I’m home. I’m getting in shape, I’m still fucking tired, and starving, but I am so so so much less anxious, depressed, nervous, and hopeless than when I went out the door. Yes I am even less fat, as far as my self image goes.

I overcame all that, and that was nothing to sneeze at. If I can overcome that, what else can I overcome. What else can I be less afraid of.

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6 comments on “I went for a run

  1. Carmen Hernandez
    July 3, 2012

    you are terrific, tatiana. i’m so proud of you.

  2. tatianagill
    July 3, 2012

    aww thank you auntie! ❤ ❤ ❤

  3. crackerjackheart
    July 3, 2012

    You know I have been struggling with anxiety for a few years now. Last night I was reminded of a great story and as I was telling it I thought, holy shit I used to be amazing, unafraid and downright bold. How do I get back to being that person again?

    So about three weeks ago I started rowing every day. And I don’t know if it’s yet given the “I feel better” I’d hoped for but I find that I am definitely getting stronger. And it’s given me two things. 1) when I hit the point where I can’t go on and it’s been a crap day that I can barely deal with I just start shouting “Fuck” as loud as I can until I feel silly and then I find somehow I’ve pushed through and can go another ten minutes or so. After these sessions I feel SO MUCH BETTER. Better than any therapy ever. 2) I still borrow trouble by worrying about the future but I feel now a little like I could kick the future’s ass. Or maybe like I know in the future I’ll be able to kick anything’s ass?

    And finally I’ve started to find that exercise allows me to rechannel my self loathing. Like instead sitting around thinking, “You fat, lazy alcoholic bitch, you’re never going to actually do anything, are you?” I’ve turned it too, “What are you some kind of pussy who can’t row for 30 minutes?” Which maybe no more emotionally healthy, at least it gives me a challenge to work against, to prove to myself that I can, instead of just hating on myself.

    Also, apparently your new blog is my new public therapy forum.

    • tatianagill
      July 3, 2012

      Awesome! It’s all super interesting to read, I enjoy your comments very much!

      I wish I had room for a rowing machine, that sounds fun! I’ve planked like twice now and I like to do upright-pushups in the doorway. My legs are strong but my arms are t-rex arms!

      I was so fucking proud of myself yesterday for going for a run despite pretty much letting myself off the hook for all the reasons I listed. That pride gave me another feeling besides despair! I think that, ultimately, is the glory of exercise. Also yes it gives our inner drill sargent a chance to be productive for a change!

  4. Baron Groznik
    July 3, 2012

    Here’s my two cents worth.

    As far as clinical depression, any therapy that does NOT include a regular exercise regimen will have very limited effect. Our bodies are designed for long distance running to run down prey. We are creatures of endurance (not strength or keen senses). If we do not at least simulate hunting and gathering (at the gym, running around the block, punching a bag, etc.), our mind will go into decline, thinking that the body is sick. Lack of exercise isn’t the sole cause of depression, but it’s definitely a major factor.

    Therapists shouldn’t just talk about feelings. They should also talk about your workout. So here’s my conclusion: Any therapist who doesn’t include exercise in your path to recovery isn’t much of a therapist. Unless you have some severe physical disablities, there’s no way to fight depression without regular, hard workouts. Period.

    Kudos to your new path. Keep it up, don’t stop, punch through it. The best workouts emerge from the darkest moods.

    • tatianagill
      July 3, 2012

      woooo! Thanks so! Such good advice. My therapists have been naggin me to exercise since the day I went in – They seem to be pretty good over at Group Health Behavioral Services. It is ridic how much of my life I’ve spent laying around feeling terrible without getting exercise. I’m glad I’ve learned a few things as I’ve gotten older.

      Now that I realize how good it feels to simulate the hunt I want to simulate THE KILL (kickboxing? punching bags perhaps? rugby? Javelin throwing at the end of my run?)

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This entry was posted on July 3, 2012 by in Alcohol Recovery, Discovering Tats, Health and tagged , , , , , , , .
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