Today, I got home after an extra long session (I was crying and carrying on so he went an extra half hour) with the therapist. I was depressed, anxious, nervous, angry, frustrated, fat, out of shape, hopeless, starving, exhausted, and it was nearly dark out… oh, and RAINING.
But I ate a banana, put on my shoes and went for a run. I even went a little longer this time. Halfway through my brain thought of this post. I started writing posts and lists in my head. Words of my therapists started making sense. He wants me to make a daily ‘things I am in control of” list. And to also “throw away my crystal ball” – I break my brain trying to tell the future as if it’s already decided.
I admitted to him how I want so so badly to drink again. How I’m seethingly jealous of those who can. I want to blow off steam, to yell and sing, to feel my blood pumping, to meet new people and say whatever the hell I want. He suggested I join a women’s rugby team. At 5’10” and nearly 200 lbs, I do admit I have the physique for it! I’m going to look into it.
The sun literally came out a little bit from behind the clouds, and instead of cursing the horrible dark rain, as I ran through volunteer park I realized how blessed I am to be surrounded by lush greenery when the rest of the country is probably yellow with drought.
Now I’m home. I’m getting in shape, I’m still fucking tired, and starving, but I am so so so much less anxious, depressed, nervous, and hopeless than when I went out the door. Yes I am even less fat, as far as my self image goes.
I overcame all that, and that was nothing to sneeze at. If I can overcome that, what else can I overcome. What else can I be less afraid of.