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Overheard at my office

This contract has provided with friends, fun, and hilarity of extreme proportions. Throughout the year I saved up everything someone said of intense hilarity on my twitter. Here’s a years worth of tester humor compiled for your enjoyment.

Me “Nice shorts! Woo show us some leg!” Coworker: “They’re not so much ‘shorts’ as they are ‘sizzle trunks'”

“bread is like, for people from the french revolution or the great depression. Not for Amholes like me.”

“I prefer my toaster pastries unfrosted, or ‘bareback’ as I like to call them.”

“see ya later, windows user.”

“That was so offensive, I can’t beleive I said it twice.”

“I can probably get *name redacted* from this angle” “Thats what she said.” “That was a squirting joke.”

“what if I like the smell of farts?”

Me: *attempts to watch the latest magic draft* coworker: “This isn’t ‘Nam. There are rules.”

me: “I hope you don’t go sticking a pop tart in every pop tart shaped hole you see” coworker: “no i spackle ’em up, close that hole once and for all”

cw1 “i used to go to the noc noc every day” cw2 “and get broners?” cw3 “i only got a broner once, but it lasted all day”

“you can link to anything you want to. It’s the internet.”

“look, i know you worked at a game company for old ladies, but have you used the internet before?!?”

“are you guys organizing a yiff event?” Coworker interrupting our sakuracon planning

“a lot of animals have a ‘utility hole’ as I like to call it. They just have one hole to do all their business.”

“it literally took you two days to get SO. INTO. Magic.” “do you know how long ive been absorbing all this Magic talk!?”

“…only in satanic porn, the money shot would be on fire.”

“I hope I never have to get a real job.” -OHattheoffice, after discussing the app “Sex Jar”

“i just have to say how much I like ‘cropdusting” people blocking the hallway”

“You could wear a hot dog suit to Sakuracon.” “I bet there’s a hot dog in an anime.” “Just attach a few tentacles to it.”

“make your cilia stand up and beg for buttermilk!”

me to magic players “is it ok if i watch again?” ringleader “you don’t have to ask anymore…you’re one of us now.”

coworker “nice cackle snort” me “omg its coming in waves” coworker “that’s what she said…better get a raft!”

“Would it be wrong to link it to Reddit? …Maybe I should not look to you as a moral compass” Coworker, to me

me “sorry i farted…i blame the pizza.” coworker “yeah lets blame the pizza instead of your total lack of couth.”

me “can you describe what ‘pornography’ means?” coworker “no, but I can show you.”

“the bad thing about the sun is it warms up the dog poop”

“I’m going to start a blog called ‘that’s not raisins!”

“its nice to have a happy responsible addiction”

“Just call me Pedo-Bat” -coworker on Batman and Robin

“that would make a good comic. the adventures of tatty mcgill and her fursuit.”

“even with the creepy mustache, he still looks gooood” (re james franco)

“any swastika is not allowed. even if its made out of trees.”

“If I ever win the lottery, I’m throwing a diaper party.”

“I been playing chicken with my freshness.”

“its not the beards touching that makes it gay. its the balls.”

“only hot people can make weird gross shit sexy, so can you please just get the fuck out of here.”

“A CGI sex wheel is not the same. You’re going to need an actual wheel.” – me.

me to coworker #1 “is that how you were conceived?” coworker #2 (stage whisper) “you mean HATCHED.”

“Why is there no emoticon for someone blowing their brains out?”

“you’re legally protected to be a furry”

“are you ever ‘old enough’ for two turtles doin it?” – me

“what if the angry birds were knocking a lady’s clothes off?”

“it’s not a party if someone doesn’t wind up crying.”

“I’m going to go get a nice steaming hot bowl of pho…and pour it down my pants.”

“I feel like there should be a light that goes off every time you snort.”

me “i need to eat every two hours, like a baby.” coworker “i need to eat a baby every two hours.”

“what if you filled your neti pot with heroin?”

coworker “it was a play on words.” me “No. it was taking the words’ toy and hitting it with it.”

“TELL me you know who Joey Chestnut is.” “Who?” “HE ONLY ATE LIKE 62 HOT DOGS!”

“ugh, i just got secondhand geek!” content person standing outside the testing room, as we discuss x-men

me to coworker #1 after bad pun “if there was a fire in this room, i would push you into it” coworker #2 “i would drink gasoline and urinate on you while you were on fire”

me “theraflu warming syrup is INSANE” coworker “do you just shoot it right into your eyeball”

“I’ve starting absorbing force-ghosts and taking their power. I’m the Highlander.” – coworker on SWTOR

coworker “cool amulet!” other coworker “what’s its power?”

coworker “happy festivus!” me “Lets begin with the airing of the grievances!” other coworker “had a rough weekend, did we?”

“there you go…get those mints in your butt. freshen up the place. your man will appreciate it.”

“double Christmas? Is that something you say often?”

“pack your sweet little pink mouth full of bagel”

“That’s so you, Tatiana. ‘Oh the dryer isn’t working – maybe it’s my fault.'”

“what do you think of when you hear the word moist? do you think of a shmeared bagel?” (5 min later) “…she’s still laughing.”

“will I be voted off the island?” “you’ll be voted OUT THE WINDOW.”

“That’s the superhero I want to be. ‘The Enabler.'”

“Definitely my definition of Ecstasy is pooping uncontrollably. Wow. Everyone knows that now.”

(on brownies) “i already stuffed my cheeks full of treats! brown, chunky treats.” “has anyone else stuffed your cheeks full of treats?”

“so if charlie sheen became president, who would be vice president? Carrot top?”

“so you’ve never ruined a child’s birthday?”

“Now YOU’RE getting bored listening to you tell your story. Just stop.”

coworker, pulling down the blinds “all that sweet hot energy smacking me in the balls. eyeballs.”

“you should switch hands more often, the left one is probably softer anyways.” “youre always making innuendos.” “um, they’re not innuendos.”

“i have nothing to define my personality anymore!” coworker “i don’t think you need any help with that.

“oh Tatiana. You can laugh so angelically while being so, so evil.”

“im gonna do whatever it takes to make you happy.” “well, open wide.”

me “oh, I thought you were saying the green swedish fish made people horny.” coworker “no, ALL the swedish fish make people horny.”

“if no one wants to talk to you and you have no friends, become observant.”

me on angry birds seasons “you just have to get it into a tight corner and then puff it up!” coworker “that’s what she said”

“never smell the shammy.”

“I don’t know if you have an expert mode” “Only a nightmare mode, baby!”

“if you can offend me, I’ll give you 5 bucks.”

“Why are you always talking about Lindsay Lohan!? Stop talking about Lindsay Lohan. This is worse than W.O.W.”

“I’m upset at how quickly that conversation went downhill. It wasn’t even a hill, it was a cliff! Wile E. Coyote was out there with a sign.”

“kids these days dont have cd cases to do coke off of. they have to use tablets.” – me

“it’s okay that you’re dumb.”

“Real men listen to Disney”

“its full fuckin’ sandworm”

“you NEVER go full sandworm!”

“there are sandworms pole vaulting through the windows right now.”

nerdy coworker: “did you every work at papa johns?” hot coworker: “do I LOOK like I worked at papa johns?!?”

“shooting someone is -sadly- a lot easier than buying a house”

“when people are dumb, they don’t know what you know”

“there should be a comic, ‘captain geekheart and the ritalin kid’ and every week its me trying not to beat the shit out of the ritalin kid.”

“You should be careful about using the phrase ‘rubbing it out.'” “It was in context.” “It doesn’t matter. I’m 12. Shut up.”

“hey. stop painting targets on your forehead and I’ll stop giving you grief.”

“im going to start a blog called ‘josh’s womb.’ every day it will be a new post speculating whats gestating inside of josh.”

“it doesn’t have to make sense. if it makes money.”

“you’re sprinkle deficient” – my coworker, to me

“what we do isn’t work. digging graves, thats work. changing old peoples diapers, thats work.”

“don’t be a cheesedick.”

“are you going to happy hour tomorrow?” “no, I’d rather go get a Brazilian wax.”

“you keep your hands to yourself, chuckles!”

“The toaster has two slots for a REASON.”

“Do I need to put one in your brain? Cuz ya look like a zombie.”

“if Tatiana’s not goin for it I’m not goin’ for it”

me, getting a 20 oz pour over “this is going to be a LOT of caffeine.” coworker *looks at my face* “you need it.”

“there’s nothing more goth than underboob.”

“that’s going to be my porn name. Mario Speedbaggin.”

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This entry was posted on July 27, 2012 by in Hilarity.
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