Feeling the pain and raging at god

I try not to dwell on the past too much these days, but today hit me like a 2×4 when I realized it’s the 8? year anniversary of the Capitol Hill Massacre.

Well thanks to AA I’ve been working hard on feeling for realisies. I know if I want to feel more joy I have to feel more pain, and be less numbed, less clenched, less walled. So I let that pain come in and out of me and hover around me. I cried multiple times. I went and got Terriyaki, not because I wanted it, but because I wanted to see the sweet sweet lady who works the counter there, who always fusses over me and tries to nurture me.

My masseuse gave me great advice about my jaw, which has just been killing me. He went above and beyond to help me find a good specialist, and in general, although today has been quite awful in some senses of emotional despair and turmoil, its been simply amazing in terms of wishes granted and doors opened and love given and received and FELT. So maybe I’ll stick with it a little longer.

Trying to get in touch with a ‘higher power’ I really felt like I was onto something, but what about this magic otter river I float on allows tragedy of this scale in my life? It reminded me of all my darkest times, the abortion, the crazy, the massacre, the despair. My grandmother told me she was a Christian until the day my grandpa died, then she stopped believing, because what kind of god would take him from her.

My sponsor (who I asked to be my sponsor because as he shared back in that second meeting I attended, tears streamed down his face) told me that you can’t ask your higher power to fix your car because it broke down. But you can ask your higher power for help, and as you are searching, you may remember you have triple A.

I am searching, and remembering I have triple A.

I imagined that we’re all lying on the great otters chest and some of us get knocked off and go down the waterfall much sooner, but we’ll all be in the same place again. Meanwhile I can swish my tail, steer myself ashore, enjoy the view for a while. It sure brings me a measure of peace to imagine it.