I’m doing AA step 4 and cataloging my fears and resentments.
Its funny how much every time something societally accepted as ‘good’ happens – say I lose weight, or get a well-paying job, or when I met my boyfriend… some part of me goes
I knew I was doing it right!!!
When I first quit drinking 4 years ago, all this fantastic stuff fell in my lap, like a great job and rapid weight loss. Despite all my struggles I took infinite comfort from those things. But this year, I’ve gained a ton of weight. I’ve been unemployed for 10 months. My boyfriend is still spectacular – but 2 years in, it’s a little less easy to go “HA see my accomplishment?” – I’ve exhausted the ‘I have a great boyfriend’ ego card. We are.
I’m doing a ton of art that is garnering appreciation, I won’t discount that, it’s so awesome and better than I’ve ever had it. But it’s not making the kind of money that would pay the rent, or even pay for a prescription. It’s not going viral or any other common forms of societal acceptance. It is.
So anyways, I accept defeat, drag my ass into AA, start volunteering with senior citizens and homeless, babysitting my friends kids, every un-glamorous un-enviable slog in the book…
And now I find myself realizing none of us can really lord anything over anyone. Except perhaps a literal lordship. I find myself realizing that here, in the now, I have a wonderful day full of love ahead of me – my supportive and caring sponsor, sitting for the playful and jubilant Maya, my supportive and funny friends I’ve met with every week for 2 years now.
It’s not the kinds of things to make my exes kick themselves for letting me slip away.
It’s not the kinds of things that would make women I was competitive with sexually go ‘Oh fuck she trumped me there, she’s got it all, I wish I had been more fixated on her and less on her boyfriends.’
Or even for all my ex-drinking buddies to go “Wow I wish my life was like hers, I better quit the bottle today.”
I’m not god but I’m not scum. I am.
Finally after working on step 4, I realize “Winning” isn’t putting everyone who ever crossed me in their place. It’s not making everyone I was ever jealous of jealous of me instead. Winning is letting go of all that BS and enjoying my existence.
It’s just a life. It’s my life, today. It’s not bad but it’s not a huge ego boost. It’s living. I think that’s how it probably should be.