Last night I had an emotional breakdown. My boyfriend and I watched 2 great TV shows in a row, both involved the raping of a young innocent girl. One was twentysomething and one was not even 15. They didn’t show penetration, but they showed plenty of despair. Plenty of lost hope and devastated potential.
I saw my mom yesterday. My mom was severely sexually abused as a kid, I don’t doubt her when she tells me this. Her mind is like a magnificent, intricate broken mirror in the shape of a kaleidoscopic spider web. It’s treacherous, wondrous, devastating, you can see the whole universe reflected back at you. I do hope that unlike her conviction they contributed to her childhood long rapefest, my sweet grandma and grandpa (RIP) who I have nothing but snuggly, adoring, warm memories of, were not involved.
I spent a lot of my childhood listening to my mother wonder who would try to rape me. Which one’s of my male relatives might have already raped me and I repressed it, like she did for so long. Wondering what rapist would pop out of what corner when, or perhaps he already did and I just hid that away from my mind to continue functioning?? It’s enough to drive a little girl mad.
My biggest fear has always been rape, in my mind, so much worse than death or lingering illness. So much worse than anything, ever. Something that could break your mind like that, break your soul, break your belief and your spirit. A life sentence of doubt, guilt, shame, hate. Even your own kids will be touched every day by the broken rape mirror. There’s no escape, it spirals down and down….generation after generation.
I havne’t been raped, to my knowledge. I’ve had a lot of sex I may or may not have consented to while passed out drunk, I don’t remember it and I’m not too concerned with my checkered past, its in the past, I usually don’t feel unbearably traumatized by that, its such a blur.
But so many of my wonderful friends have been raped. Girls and boys. I know a boy who stayed with his teacher one night after trouble at home, his teacher gave him wine and raped him. I knew a girl who was raped consistently by her father throughout her childhood. I knew an adorable 15 year old dyke who drank a bunch with a male buddy and then was raped by him, too drunk to slur out a single syllable, sure it wasn’t technically rape because she wasn’t able to say the word ‘no.’ A sweet little deaf girl who was assaulted by a whole group of guys in her neighborhood. I knew so many beautiful, wonderful, innocent people who were horrifically and repeatedly raped throughout their lives. I know of a whole small town in Alaska where its matter of fact that the older male relatives sleep with their little girl relatives, as a matter of course, they’re all piled in the same house together in the snow and it’s mother nature at her finest. Sometimes I wonder if my mom DID protect me, with her paranoia, I may always live in fear of rape but I never got raped. Maybe her twisted techniques worked better than pretending it doesn’t exist, the way most parents do?
WHY? Why do people do it. What kind of biological imperative takes over our inherent natural desire to protect and nuture our little ones and in certain peoples minds, becomes instead a selfish, monstrous, twisted form of control, power, creating a lifetime trauma.
I can’t fucking take it. What can I do??? What is the effective way to help in these situations? Watching it played out on TV, suddenly the new hot plot twist, is giving me migraines and making we want to puke. Turn off the TV? I know its still happening. Turn off the internet? Never watch the news again? Believe me, I do try. Today I feel so helpless about it. What can we do?