I’ve been working on opening my heart. As I feel panic or fear or hate seize me, I say the serenity prayer, I think how I might have contributed to the situation, or how good it might feel to approach the situation with love and an open heart. This is actually making things a bit more bearable.
Sometimes I’ll cry or moan a little bit, I’ve also been massaging my always sore, always knotty legs and, as old tensions release, old haunts from my past come up and I use this same technique. I use it with myself too…instead of harshly berating myself for old or new foibles, I try to deal with myself lovingly. Talk to myself lovingly, with humor and kindness. See the good-ridden shard of the universe existing beautifully inside myself, and see it in everyone else too. Everyone has it no matter how flea ridden or douchebaggy. I wasn’t wrong to be so open before, I wasn’t wrong to close down and protect myself from the world. It’s all part of life. Opening and closing again and again.
Days are stretching out, I wait by the inbox to see if this or that interview panned out and so far, they don’t. I don’t feel like doing anything, I just want a job. I know even if I do get a job I could just lose it again, there’s no point in fixating on that as the end to my troubles, even though I do.
Today as I was doing art at the homeless shelter’s art time, I overheard two other volunteers discussing being punk rock and christian. The old me would have disregarded that as drivel…but the new me listened in excitedly. No I’m not going to go Christian, I don’t think at this point I’ll ever come to see or understand a “god” as we think of them. But I’m oh so interested in what everyone else thinks, what everyone else is doing, how did they come to find their answers that help them sleep at night. If they have found things to think about and believe in that lift them higher, that make them feel really good and like they have a serious purpose, lordy! Let that light shine on me, brother.