Today as I waited for AA to start, I got a call from a fellow who couldn’t make it that day. I felt a little amused that they called me, who am I? But I’m a person who goes to that meeting every week, rain or shine.
I still had time to kill so I tried to settle a dispute with a creditor on the phone. It ended in tears, me outraged, the creditor representative outraged, me stooping to insulting her company, feeling wretched as well as very threatened and frightened by the threat of lawsuit, and the spiraling fears of winding up in the poorhouse, homelessness, etc.
I went to my meeting in tears, on the verge of an epic 5-star meltdown. Someone I knew there saw my tears and anger, and immediately began to calm me down with suggestions of how to get desperation-level medical bill assistance in the way only a fellow poor person can (such as, go to a church of my choosing and explain my situation and ask for help! I didn’t know I could do that…).
Then someone else came into the meeting. A new person to our meeting, and for all I knew it was his first AA meeting. My immediate thought was for him, here he is trying to get sober and walks into a meeting with only two people, one of whom is having a breakdown. I didn’t want that to be his introduction to AA, so I pulled myself together. Much like a parent might for a child, I wanted to be strong so I could help this person with his own problems.
We went on to have a great meeting, more people trickled in and everyone who was there desperately needed to talk to someone. We all desperately needed each other (OK I’m speaking for myself more than them perhaps) I desperately needed every single person sitting there. And now, after a few months faithful attendance, that meeting needs me. I’m usually either the secretary or the chairperson, I’m now becoming one of the phone contacts.
I made a crack earlier today about how much I love getting sick so I can have a little Nyquil. My friends responded to that with big kudos about how after all this time I haven’t relapsed, and I work at sobriety, and do my homework. That felt so good to hear. Earlier today, scared of being sued and destitute, I was overwhelmed with a desire to drink, something that hasn’t stabbed me in the guts for a few days or weeks at least. Which is funny because then I would have woken up owing all that money plus a bar tab.