Comixxen Blog

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The Stress

One of the drawbacks to having been a raging drunk for 15 years, is. Now my entire future has caught up with me. I’m 15 years older than I was when I started drinking to escape the anxiety of being alive.  Now I’m 15 years closer to retirement/old age/illness and I haven’t a thing prepared. I have a few tiny 401(k) type things laying around, and that’s it. Ever since I got sober I have given a good deal of time to trying to find a “real” job (I have been a temp worker for about 10 years now) – one with 401(k), one with health insurance, one with a future. I’m currently in a 4 month temp contract, as I’m reminded by the color of badge I wear around my neck. I’ve even been referred to as ‘the temp.’ The idea of getting hired on full time at this company, despite the fact I am very good at my job, is laughable. The other hires around me are 22, look like models, are dressed to kill, keep up good banter. I work with computers because I find it hard to work with people sometimes. As far as I can tell, the kids around me get hired on because they have everything western society deems as good, going for them. The right education, world travelers, good looking, fit, dog owners, car owners, people who go to salons and exercise regularly. Who wouldn’t be wowed, in an interview (I have had many phone interviews there, but never made it past a face-to-face). I feel like a worm next to them, frankly. A worm with no 401(k). Who spends money she could be using for fancy clothes to pay for medical debt and out of pocket insurance. Le sigh. There’s some regular-folk who can program and other high levels of knowledge/technical skills, but I am not at those levels.

The answer is, of course, to look for a full time job in evenings and weekends. A long-term job with a future. At a down to earth company where you occasionally see a person with grey hair walking the halls, looking like they might retire in comfort. At a company that is willing to invest in me, invest in my future. Got any leads?

( I should add here that I am so, so grateful to have a job at all, especially one where I can sit in an office in relative comfort. But a person my age, nearly 40, whose long-divorced parents are at retirement age, one who has a robust portfolio and one who is entirely dependent on the state and medicare, is scary. I can’t depend on the state/nation to have my ass covered in 25 years, with the way things are going. There won’t be anything left. I’ve got to bury some gold bars somewhere.)


2 comments on “The Stress

  1. christopher575
    September 22, 2013

    Most companies are pretty gross. I think nonprofits would probably be a much better fit for you.

  2. Comixxen
    September 22, 2013

    I hear all kinds of horror stories about nonprofits, but I guess there are horror stories anywhere. One thing I’m angling for is UW/UW Med/FHCRC/Cancer Care Center…I have friends and relatives there and they all dig the environment. I thought the Gates Foundation might have good stuff but I can’t even figure out what their job postings MEAN. What would be really cool too is to work somewhere smaller and awesome, like Lifelong AIDS Alliance, Union Gospel Mission, etc, but I’m not sure my corporate experience would transfer to a smaller place.

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This entry was posted on September 22, 2013 by in Anxiety, Career, Health, Snark.
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