Yesterday I decided to go back to therapy. I never meant to quit, but I wasn’t getting along with the last therapist I tried, and I haven’t found anyone I’ve gelled with yet in my current insurance-boundaries. But I’m trying again. I’ve hit a bump, this past month. I’m having a hard time at work – it feels very ‘not me’ to be at a big corporation, even though I enjoy the work I’m doing. The people scare me. I have traditionally avoided ‘the normals’ throughout my life, preferring the company of people on the fringe. But in analyzing why I’m having trouble not being anxious at my job, I realized that’s part of the problem. The attitude I bring. The preconceived notions I have about the people around me, based on surface assessments like clothes, age, posture, small talk. Today I asked the guys in my AA home group to tell me how they get past resentments. Someone mentioned that I can’t take anyone else’s “inventory” for them – it’s up to me to take my own inventory, and that’s it. Everyone else can assess themselves, or not, but its not for me to step in and do it for them. With that idea a good deal of my worries lifted.
It’s funny that as I try to get my ‘character flaws’ onto paper, they are spilling out all over my life. As scientists know, the very act of observing something changes its nature. Hopefully this is the storm before the calm.
As for my on-paper list of character flaws, its evolving while I talk with my sponsor and get guidance from him.
Now its starting to look something like this:
An overzealous desire to protect myself (while good in moderation) keeps me cowering at home, avoiding intimacy, avoiding vulnerability, avoiding discomfort and change and fear. I think more often than I’d like from my animal-brain, instead of in the context of my higher-power. I’d like to spend more time looking at things with a birds eye view, being self aware. In the same bent, I’d like to choose long-term gratification over short-term more often. I’d like to keep less ‘stories’ about myself, less titles and boxes, less preconceived notions and chains, like “I am a good person” “I am a good friend” “I am a god damn superhero” “they are all out to get me” “I am better than others”. I’d like to just be me and have nothing to prove or live up to.
I fall prey to my own dark thoughts more than I’d like. I talk to myself abusively, resent myself and others, recriminate as a sport. I’m ready to ease my burden.