This year I tried hard to see and understand some kind of higher power/god. I felt I saw such a thing in love, friendship, kindness, understanding, compassion, creation, systems of life giving force (like the forest/trees/sunlight).
Today I found myself praying silently in the office, desperately wanting more meaning. I remembered to take a quick walk, to drink water, to breathe, to remember that I was a thought process in a body in a room in a building…etc. Levels of self awareness. To be awake in the moment and not just behaving with my lizard brain. But still, I prayed, sending my missives out to the universe. The minutes dripped past and there was no answer. On my walk home from work, the sun came out and shone in my face, hit me in the eyes and warmed my skin. That, I thought. That is god. Then I walked past the homeless teen center and one kid was going crazy dancing. Another had a kitten. Another talked in a tough-girl voice. That, I thought, that is god. How can I get closer to that? How can I have more of that in my life? I could volunteer there, I thought about my friend studying to be a counselor. I kept walking up the hill, mired in bad thoughts and depressive feelings. I took some pictures of myself and of street art that I passed. At the top of the hill I turned and walked down Broadway – outside of Crossroads, covering the sidewalk, there was a beautiful chalk art drawing full of words and symbols of, literally, god. It was left there by a homeless guy I saw last week (Broadway has had a swarm of new homeless people lately). For a few days in a row I saw him making chalk messages on the sidewalk outside Rite Aid. I took a ton of pictures of the chalk art and was thrilled. On this new drawing, the chalk indicated a place to stand on the sidewalk, and so positioned I was looking directly at a tree, cut back to the quick by city arborists, but still a tree. On the tree, drawn in chalk, were several symbols such as a heart, the Zelda TriForce, a peace sign, and more. Sun shone on me as I lept around the chalk art taking photos and feeling like communication was happening. I thought about my big fear, becoming homeless, and how if I ever wind up homeless, I will still have a voice.
Wow, talk about an answer to my prayers.