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Unclenching

Step Eight. “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Today I’m pretty sick with a megacold, but I started my AA list of people I have harmed. I’ve been fretting over this one for months – who wants to think of all the harmed they caused and apologize? Especially from my blackout drinking days. Sounds like my worst nightmare.

But a couple big harms I’ve caused were swimming in my brain, I decided to just jot them down, at least. About 5 pages worth of ‘people I have harmed’ later, and I realize resentment is helping my life be so much more awful than it has to be. Not thinking about what anyone did to me to deserve my self-defenses and revenges, I started thinking about just-the-facts about what I have done to others. Good lord.

I’ve spent the past serveral days in bed super sick but in my daze, attempting not to be so aggro-clenched up like I have been since returning to work. Attempting to just unclench my jaw and cheek and neck a little bit, since it feels terrible.

As soon as I started writing this list, a great unclenching came upon my head and mind. Aside from any pain or relief that may come from actions upon this list, the very act of writing it has freed me from my own burden. And its not just from my drinking days, my hateful seething resentment of everyone I perceive as threatening (which is nearly everyone in my life, in some of my states of mind) continues up to this very day. The very act of observing it, changes it nature. I now suddenly understand a newer level to what I am doing with my thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

Yay for fresh bloodflow.

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This entry was posted on October 28, 2013 by in Alcohol Recovery, Anxiety, boundaries, Discovering Tats, love!, Snark, Spirit, Therapy.
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