Some people wonder, but WHY could you seethe in hatred at something as wonderful as people having children. Well let’s examine today’s evidence. I sat around all day in a state of panic, biding time until I go see the doc tomorrow, just trying to keep my pounding heart from exploding. Breathing, blogging, I even got slouch-dressed and walked a whole block before I came home due to heart-poundings (I’ve had my heart checked out, it’s panic attacks, its not a heart condition).
Then…and now, why did I do this exactly? I think I was feeling lonely without facebook, and all these want-to-die feelings remind my of my own mother’s suicidal hysterics throughout my lifetime. I guess I was feeling a little kinship, wanting the comfort a mother can bring on the rare occasion she’s nice-crazy and not mean-crazy. She DOES understand the crazy, even if I’m the only one who can understand the sane.
Only she’s mean-crazy right now. It would seem. I had a pleasant invite to Thanksgiving at her house that I hadn’t seen, since I was feeling too nutso to check her emails (not that I would ever, ever be trapped in her house on a holiday again). Then about 10 days after the Thanksgiving invite, since she was feeling snubbed by me even though she had no idea what I was going through, I got one that said “You’re my girl, but GO FUCK YOURSELF.”
Aw, I’m her girl! Is there any way I can not be her girl short of ending one of our lives? Because I never wanted to be her girl and I don’t want to be her girl anymore. I wish there was something I could rub on myself to make me invisible to her laser beam mother eyes, her heightened predatory sense of smother.
Its so endearing, having a batshit crazy, hostile, verbally abusive mother whose death grip I’ll never get out of, on top of all my other problems. Needless to say it immediately re-kindled the pounding in my heart and I felt so so so dangerously bad and going-int0-crazy-brain-mode. I called Steve, he talked me down, thank god for Steve!! ❤ He told me he wouldn’t let her get to me. I felt protected in a way I’ve never felt protected before.
Once I calmed down we laughed over how much my life is like Tony Soprano’s, sometimes. I really wouldn’t be shocked if my mom tried to kill me. I certainly wouldn’t be the first person she’s come at with a knife.