Just FYI, I’m currently posting a daily comic of my misadventures at http://www.comixxen.com
A much more minute day-to-day snapshot of my life than this blog. I did about 150 daily 1-page comix this last winter and summer when I was unemployed. Then towards late summer I got really depressed, then I got a job and stayed depressed, and my daily comic was quickly becomeing sad-sack-aria, and I quit out of, why bother.
Then last month my old cartoonist friend Elijah Brubaker was tweeting about how he didn’t want to post his journal comic because it was so self pity emo…and I wrote to him, ‘post it, people LOVE that shit.’ And I realized I loved it too. And I shouldn’t stop drawing because I think apart from the romance and friends department, my life is in the toilet. That would be fiscal life and career life and health insurance life and self care life and not-drinking life and inner life and thinking there’s a meaning behind the suffering even when my heart goes cold and numb and paralyzed with fear, like it seems to do, especially in the dark Northwest winter.
Looking back on last years comics, it makes me laugh how much I was hiding the ugly truths. I was making them in part for Facebook so, I didn’t really want to say “I went to my families for Christmas and I was PETRIFIED and so full of shame I thought I’d crawl out of my skin. I hated people so hard because I wanted to drink with them so badly and could not. Neither could I express my shameful feelings and feelings of pathetic inadequacy and standing in front of the cheese aisle FREAKING OUT because what if they hated me because I didn’t bring good enough cheese?” and tag my family. Now I am primally screaming in a desperate bid for release, and devil may care. Even if I am the Larry David of my own life, at least it feels good to talk about it.
Jesus christ. Finally admitting this is a relief. Here’s to honest art, whatever honesty brings, it will be different. And I need different if I’m going to survive.