Somehow today, my brain feels back to normal. Like where it was before all the manic-depression of this past fall kicked in. I’m grouchy, I wouldn’t say I’m thrilled to be at this temp job, but today its fine.
So, what did it? Well, I have no idea. I’ve been creeping around malfunctioning for weeks. Unable to get out of bed. Hate-texting my dearest friends and bruising my hand from bashing it against my shower wall. And now today, everything seems fine and normal again.
Getting the led out – I was letting all my dark thoughts bulid and build, and I must say, at this point all my dark thoughts have been spilled and tread around the house like a puddle of ink a cat has walked through.
Vitamins – every day for 1.5 weeks now I’ve been taking ACTIVATED Vitamin B, a super duper vitamin D capsule, and a super duper omega 3 fishoil capsule. I haven’t been exercising beyond my usual trudge to work, and my newfound lack-of-trying means I’ve been eating worse than ever. I haven’t needed a sedative for a couple days now.
I have seen and talked to a doctor, a therapist, and a psychiatrist. I have had heart to hearts with my oldest and dearest friends, my boyfriend, and my dad, and a few terribly understanding newer friends too. I have discovered I can lash out with my darkest thoughts and some of my friends are still patient with me, which is a great comfort. I have had offers from friends to help me in ways I never imagined they were willing to help me. After being the good-time girl for so many years, I figure people will bail as soon as I’m a squeaky wheel. This is not the case for some of my friends.
I have established radio silence with my mother. A huge load off my mind. I have gracefully removed myself from family Xmas and all the drinking I associate with it, another huge load off my mind.
I have drawn so. much. art! I have admitted the things even I didn’t want to admit. I have faced my worst-fear consequences of expressing these things, and they weren’t bad at all. What a release.
2 weeks ago I was working in a nonstop talking, loud yelling, stuffy air, no natural light office, and I now have a window and work in perfect uninterrupted quiet all day. My job has gone from something constantly giving me panic attacks 40 hours a week (and the rest of the time too) to something that doesn’t really bug me (although I still hate Christmas after doing Christmas sales for 4 months).
I haven’t been on facebook for 2 weeks and finally my head is not full of the buzz of the world. There’s not a million moms triggering my mommy issues all day long. There’s not a million affluent people triggering my poor issues all day long. There’s not a million jerkoffs triggering my humanity issues all day long. I don’t know who’s shooting who, who’s bombing whom, or who’s sexually harassing whom. I don’t see pics of the delicious adult beverages my friends are unwinding with or all the good times my ex-drinking buddies are having without me. I’m not jealous of anyone.
I have been listening to myself when it comes to friends, instead of listening to what my friends want – I’m not forcing myself to do or say or go or be anything I don’t want to be, socially.
Hooray and whew. Hope this lasts.