I told my head-doc today that I had noticed a change in my behavior, I was starting to really tell people how I felt, to not be such a people-pleaser who tells everyone what I think they want to hear.
Her: Oh, to their face?
Me: Ohhh no, haha, on …text messages and the internet (I was too ashamed to say, ‘mostly on Facebook’)
Her: Well, it’s a lot easier to say something online then it is to someone standing right there. Anyways, it could be the change in your medication, or it could have nothing to do with that. A part of your breakdown was that you were navigating through a very stressful minefield. You have to make new choices the whole way through. Wait before hitting ‘send’ or ‘post,’ take a few more minutes to think, “Is it in my self-interest to say this?”
Since this conversation I’ve been thinking about how much talking I do behind people’s backs, when I’m angry and scared. I’m generally well intentioned but lately it’s been severe over people I feel threatened by, which is nearly everyone. I whisper to twitter and fb the way I used to whisper to a fellow hater-friend in the back of class. I’m not saying I’m going to stop, but I’m becoming aware of it.