Note: I am currently taking Zoloft and Buspar, and Hydroxizine at night.
So I’m trying to quit the pot again. If I was reasonable about it, it wouldn’t be a big deal. But I’m compulsive. It’s almost like cigarettes were for me. I’m constantly in a state of wait for my next hit, even if I go all day without, I’m just waiting til I can again. Now? Now? Now?
In drawing my daily comics over the past week of internal high seas drama, I realized: it doesn’t help. It may make my panic ok for that night, but the panic will be right back in the morning. It can help center me and give me perspective over my anger, but overall, in a lifetime view, it doesn’t help. The panic is always there, waiting. Just like cigarettes, pot helps me regulate my anger. I don’t have to feel the anger RIGHT NOW, I can have a 20 minute-3 hour wait. But that’s it.
So, what’s the point. As I smoke less I see how much it does affect me…it is fun, it is relaxing, but it doesn’t really help the way I thought it did. There’s no point in having a huge compulsion about it. Ideally if I quit for a while I could one day use it the way other people use drinking – as a fun relaxing thing once in a while, not every single day or someone’s life be forfeit.
We shall see. It’s only day 3…day 2 was a nightmare, but the night of day 2 was just fine, in a surprise twist. Spicy food and brother time mellowed me out to the point I did the yoga DVD, and I had nice times with my boyfriend and the evening was quite nice and I went right to sleep.
I went off Effexor last month (after a ramp-down over 3 months), after being on it 10 years. Here’s my thoughts so far:
Effexor really did work. But I was on it too long. I think its good if nothing else works, but its a bit extreme if something else would work, basically, just because its hard to go off of (but not really as bad as I feared after hearing so many horror stories, but I wouldn’t want to be working a job while trying to go off it). Being off it now, I already miss it for some of the regulation of the lows, although its all very ambigous. I was so low while on it at the end there, but I think that was due to my crappy temp job at Amazon and a Facebook downward spiral short-circuiting my brain.
BUT…now that I’m off it, I’ve got my spicy-food-high back! It was gone for 10 years, crazy. I didn’t even notice (I was on Wellbutrin when I went on Effexor, and Wellburtin also took away the spicy food high…GAH these doctors were irresponsibly throwing pills at me. I should have never been on Wellbutrin.) That has me a little resentful of Effexor, talk about one of the joys of life! But its effective and I think it was good I was on it when I was in state of panic attack all day every day. I think it really takes of the edge, both of the lows and the highs, and 10 years is too long to have the edge off. But one year, or even 3, maybe better than the edge-filled alternative?
But don’t drink on it. They tell you not to right on the bottle, but I was like, ‘yeah yeah GLUG GLUG GLUG’ and it really fucked me up, because I was always chasing the dragon of the non-Effexor drunk, and was more prone to blackouts, and god knows what else.
The biggest drawback to Effexor is it really sucked inside my head if I went more than half a day without it, it felt like there were little lightning bolts to my brain. That was ultimately why I wanted to go off. I hated how I’d forget a refill and it was a 3 day weekend and suddenly I was going batshit because you absolutely can’t just go off it, even for a couple days. If you’re really good about taking/refilling your meds, then no biggie, but I am Miss Flakey Artist! And, what if the apocalypse came. Then I’d be having withdrawls, shit.