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Smoothie + Gratitude + Fear

I’m reading two books right now, Pema Chodron’s “When Things Fall Apart” (My AA sponsor suggested I read this for 10 minutes every morning) and “Happy For No Reason” by Marci Shminoff.

I just finished the chapter in the happy book talking about how an active lifestyle and a diet of whole foods can help bring a lifetime of happiness: whole grains, meats, fresh fruits and vegetables, avoid white sugar, refined grains, and food from boxes. Stay hydrated.

I know from going off Effexor and quitting pot that by default, I feel like shit. I’m tired, afraid, and angry. According to Pema, fear means I’m getting closer to the truth.

My therapist suggested I try feeling good via nutrition and exercise. Eat more dark leafy greens, she said. I’ll try anything once.

Today I went to TJs and bought $60 worth of healthy whole foods. I walked the 2 miles or so uphill full of sunshine, surrounded by green and blossoms and beautiful homes and the smells of spring, full of peace and freedom and contentment. I was so grateful to be out in the world, and marveled at the idea that a few years ago, I barely had a sense of smell. Now I was overwhelmed with the glorious smells of blooming vegetation. Then I shopped which was quite stressful, everyone bumping into each other and too many choices for my anxious mind, but I stuck to whole foods, tons of fruits and vegetables and strong cheese and some whole grain pita. I took 2 buses back, trying not to judge but just observe, wanting to say nice things to people but being too shy, being surrounded by the midday not-at-the-office crowd of manual laborers working on those nice homes, homeless and handicapped, and the elderly. I got stressed out thinking about how I need to get home and job hunt, and make a doctor appointment for my poor circulation, sleep apnea, and jaw and leg pains. I wondered if my new therapist would think I could get disability, since she thinks all my anxiety and phobia symptoms may be a kind of PTSD, and if I will ever find a job again. I got really angry as the bags hit my legs and threatened to fall off my shoulders as my pants fell downwards and I struggled between bus stops and home. It seemed so easy until it wasn’t. The hand opens and the hand closes. The end of this story is that I am now enjoying a delicious, nutritious smoothie.

Mixed Berries
Frozen Pineapple
Mixed baby greens: spinach, chard, kale
Super green drink powder
Chia Seeds
Flax seed powder
Orange juice
Lemon Juice
A ton of ginger

on the bus ride home I saw an inspiration board outside of a fitness center. When I was thinking more positively, I used to love it. Then for the past year it has just pissed me off. STFU fitness center, you don’t know shit. Today it said, “What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it





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This entry was posted on March 31, 2014 by in Anxiety, Books, Cooking for One, Discovering Tats, Health, Therapy.
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