The past few years I’ve been fixated on NOT dwelling on the past, my childhood, my drinking years…after spending my life dwelling on my childhood, exes, places I went wrong, things I want a do-over on. Onward and upward, these days. Or onward and downward in some cases, but at least, onward!
I just started seeing a new therapist due to insurance changes, and she wants to delve into my past. She agrees its no good to DWELL on the past, but due to various traumas and other things, it is good to go over it again. Now that I’m on AA step 11, I feel like I have infinitely more perspective on it all, and there’s value in revisiting what contributed to the way I am today. After doing my resentments in AA I finally started to understand my parents, that my childhood was fucked up the opposite from how I always thought it was fucked up. Same with my lifetime obsession with one crush or another, my various compulsions, my ever teeming anger, my decades of substance abuse, and the onion of self-defenses I lived in.
A friend recently suggested I write a memoir. I think it might really happen. As I told my new therapist my life story, starting with the childhood crap and mom vs. dad, moving on to the LSD teen years, the myriad of friendships and friends who I depended on to take care of me, the nonstop depression and anxiety, the abortion, one relationship or obsessive crush after another, the ER visits, the shooting, alcoholism and pill popping, drug dealing and taking meth and morphine, eczema, jobs, anti depressants and therapists, weaving in and out with my family relationships through it all, she was on the edge of her seat. Then onto the quitting drinking, kicking out my ex-boyfriend, learning to maintain boundaries, having my first not-alcohol-and-delusion-based relationship, and culminating in finding AA then quitting smoking pot. We’ve done two sessions and I’ve only told her the most general summary, delving into a couple finer points. At the end she was like “this is quite a story!” Well so it is. I told her my boyfriend always suggests I turn all this into comics or a book, since it IS such a story, but I resist because I don’t want to dwell on or exploit my past and pain. She said ‘well we can talk about that.’ Cool.
She also is super grateful I quit drinking. She asked me if I felt strong. No, I don’t, I feel weak. I feel sad and broken and dysfunctional. But, I think NOW, now that I’m finally ready, therapy will help.