This past week has been rough. I seem to always be straddling a line between anxiety and depression. The new meds are working wonders for my depression, I’ve actually felt ENTHUSIASM for LIFE and friendship and fun and events for the first time in months. Yet I’ve spent the past week barely sleeping, jaw clenching and popping, and having crushing headaches. I have a feeling the latter is because of these iron supplements I started taking for my RLS. I never have a headache on the days I DON’T take the iron. But the jaw-clenching, can’t-sleep anxiety remains. My new CPAP machine for my apnea presumably will make me feel better once I get used to it. But I’m starting to have serious panic about that damn thing, waiting to fill me with feelings of suffocation every night, as well as inadequacy because I can’t use it even though I’m supposed to if I want to feel better! Yes, yes, YES I want to feel better.
Anyways, last night the pounding headache came on and the jaw clenching not-sleepings (I didn’t even try the CPAP last night). I finally took half a sedative, thank god, and I finally got real sleep for the first time in forever. I woke up with the headache raging, so I cancelled my plans, and laid back down. At noon I dragged myself out of bed out of sheer guilt and shame – I could have kept sleeping all day. In fact, I wanted to. Hmm, typical depression symptom.
After I got up, I sat in front of the computer, with a million things I could and should be doing like drawing, photo processing, reading books about recovery, getting out and enjoying a rare hot summer day, spinning through my myopic head. Bleah. I don’t want to do anything. In fact, this is the first time since I quit pot 4 months ago that I have felt truly unmotivated. I’m actually taking it as a sign of progress, as its been downright manic how since I quit smoking pot, 24-7 I feel like I MUST. ACCOMPLISH and I find it impossible to relax or enjoy life.
The point of my story is I somehow got the energy to make a smoothie and drink it, and it replenished all my life forces. I feel so much better.
1/4 c frozen pineapple
1/4 c frozen mixed berries
1/2 c Strawberry Kefir
1/2 c OJ
1 scoop TJ’s super green drink powder
2 T flax seed powder
1 T ginger, minced
1 c spinach
My headache feels better and so does my mood and my aching, sickish insides. I’m even starting to look out the window and wondering if I can go draw in the sun. My headache hasn’t gone away but it’s retreated to a small corner. Thank you, sweet smoothie.